August 4th 2016 – The Weather

Still looking at my emotions from different perspectives, as I was trying to navigate them. It was still hard to accept my emotions, rather than reject them. So I wanted to understand what was effecting me outside of myself, because it was safer than diving into what what effecting me inside of myself.

Sometimes, as humans, we have to stop and remember that we are mostly comprised of water. So the elements of nature can have a strong effect on us. Things like the lunar cycle can effect us, making us more hormonal around the full moon perhaps. I notice all the time that the weather has a very strong effect of me. I am super happy when the sun is out. As soon as the clouds roll in and the rain arrives, my happiness tends to leave with the sun. Some say it’s the barometric pressure. I’m sure science has a better explanation of this.

I know that my hormones are effected by my menstrual cycle. There are days when I feel utterly alone, like nobody loves me and life is pointless. There are some days that frustrate me, everything goes wrong, and I just want to stab everyone in sight. I just want to attack everything, yell, scream, swear, set everything on fire, and mail the ashes to the four corners of the world. Then I stop to check my period app and realize that I’m just pmsing and nobody has to die today.

Although, knowing that it’s a full moon, or it’s raining, or I’m pmsing, doesn’t instantly change my mood and make me happy. Knowing helps. It puts everything back into perspective. It reminds me that the emotions I’m experiencing are not caused by any certain circumstance, that they are not necessarily logical or reasonable. They’re just part of nature. These emotions will pass as the moon continues it’s cycle, or my menstrual cycle continues, or the weather changes. It helps to remind me that I can control my emotions and by catching the cause I can try to overcome these forces of nature.

I can take a deep breath and smile. I can choose to return to my happiness. If that still feels too difficult to accomplish in that moment then I can just make it through the day and get a good night’s rest. The next day I can start over fresh and rejuvenated, ready to overcome anything,

While I do still believe that all of these external forces do have an effect of my mood, I now also acknowledge that there are inner battles that also play a factor in how I react to things. My unresolved traumas that bubble under the surface definitely have an affect on how I perceive things.